remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
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