Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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