I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i came on her dog
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
