He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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