Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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