Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
