I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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