Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
