How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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