he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Life is so much better after having sex.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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