This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Randomize
