I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
