Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Randomize
