This dress was meant to end up on your floor
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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