so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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