i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
