Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
