Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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