my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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