happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
