if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
