Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
