my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
