I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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