so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
