sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
