Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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