Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
