u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
