I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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