woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
