You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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