I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Randomize
