Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
