You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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