I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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