I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
