It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
