the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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