i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
