All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
