phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
