Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
