you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
