i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
