Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
