I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
You ruined the universe
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
