There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
