just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
