somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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