Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
