i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
