drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
