No awkward lesbian experiences without me
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
