this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
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