I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
