I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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