dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
